...and now for something completely different [TUB #71, 23/13]
as promised
Three areas to address:
the squirrel
the hippopotamus
the doge
Furthermore:
This is not a phenomenon unique to the squirrel; note also e.g. the goat
This is not a phenomenon unique to the hippopotamus; note also e.g. the penguin
This is not a phenomenon unique to the doge; note also e.g. the cat, bird, and fly
The synthesis of these three examples forms an action item on which my representatives have failed to act, and they share no intention to remedy this deficiency.
To wit:
1) power brought to bear1 on trivialities within the borders
2) outsize attention on particular specimens outside the borders
3) cooption of the iconography of 2) towards 1)
This process should be reversed:
American power should be strengthened through the diversification, expansion, and deployment of its animal population towards strategic aims, with particular focus towards species-level considerations both nationally and internationally; furthermore, we should stop getting our lunch eaten.
So:
1) “Peanut”: this is ridiculous. Find something better to do.
2) “Moo Deng”: this is ridiculous. Take the time saved by 1) and engineer me a bald eagle, bison, or turkey that’s at least as cute and marketable.
3) “DOGE”: this is ridiculous. Name federal agencies according to the variations of “EAGLE,” “BISON,” or “TURKEY” that you invented in point 2). Charge the one with broadest appeal with enforcing 1).
BISURKGLE activities will include:
1. Relocating unwanted Botswanan2 elephants and other megafauna other nations have deemed surplus to requirements. The United States has enough land to shelter these creatures and the ability to transport them to our shores.
My position that we should volunteer in this instance may strike you as unusual considering
the primary function of said elephants is to be conserved for their own sake
BISURKGLE is not a charitable organization.
To elaborate on this discrepancy:
I believe it’s good to preserve endangered species
as good practice
as a hedge against impacts of their disappearance we can’t foresee
to ensure the entailed resources for future generations
which leaves me in many cases aligned with serious conservationists despite a more pragmatic methodology.
In addition, the elephant assimilation carries with it benefits which aren’t conferred by, say, the maintenance of a rare sardine habitat:
demonstration of state capacity
new tourism attraction
new supply of hunting licenses
the New York Post calls a politician “the Elephant Man”
Military deterrence, particularly against Canada and Mexico
public morale & international prestige
2. Securing pandas and other diplomatically significant nationally symbolic animals, divesting zoos from heretofore necessary ties to potentially hostile foreign governments; strengthening relations with allies through loaning out splashy American species with low populations.
It’s important to bridge the gap between soft and hard power, and manufacturing lever-worthy assets in a new sphere, as well as decreasing our dependence on others’, is a smart long-term play. Public opinion matters; some things can’t be accomplished by a tariff but can be accomplished by withdrawing e.g. the California condor.
3. Restoration of the American bison. I linked articles (1, 2) about this in an earlier post; I still like both. In addition to the reasons elaborated therein, many of which I think are good, this project provides a useful ‘bridge’ to other, facially more ambitious projects.
Postings toward this project will foster political will and departmental experience as it advances its own visible, concrete goals.
4. The impulse to clone sheep will be channeled into more controlled experiments in the artificial and natural production of superior animals for hunting, farming, and improvements in biodiversity.
An initial target will be variants of megafauna that, e.g.,
are larger, healthier, and thrive in worse conditions
eat plant species commonly regarded as ‘invasive’ or ‘promoting monoculture’
are disease-resistant, or contribute to population-wide resistance through variance
This area of study, in addition to the stewardship and supplementation of underperforming species, will additionally serve as a testing ground for improvements in genetic modification and the safety protocols thereof; it’s much less damaging (and much more evitable) to lose a sheep than, say, a virus.
In the spirit of maintenance, preservation, and gradual improvement that underlie the initiative, tissue and other samples will be taken from each species and subspecies under its auspices; cf., e.g., a seed vault.
5. BISURKGLE will solve the hog problem.
Junior aides who show the most promise in the corralling and occasional unfortunate culling of bison, elephants, sheep, or exotic foreign animals will be promoted to the anti-hog task force.
I’m not particularly interested in, say, shrimp welfare; I think it’s a waste of time.
I think it’s supererogatory, if laudable, to devote effort to improving the conditions of animals in factory farms for the animals’ sake; I am interested in, for example, ensuring that they eat well to avoid contaminants passing to their human consumers, and I think that’s likely to improve the animals’ treatment as a byproduct, which is even better.
Above, I mean to describe a pro-human series of short-term goals, but each should be as pro-animal as is Pareto efficient: substantially, in most cases.
Additions to this list, which I anticipate, should be similarly beneficent towards our non-human collaborators as well as tractable, visible, specific, and connected to other items in some respect. Clean definitions will help to minimize overlap with, e.g., the National Park Service, which is more focused on management than on progress.
The Bipartisan Initiative for SUper-Revitalization… Etc., despite being potential cruft, will demonstrate the viability of a governmental model built around actually doing things. The taxpayer’s paid a lot more for a lot less.
Oh, and: Merry Christmas, in case I get sidetracked and forget to say it in the next few days.
Be well.
heh