The Unprofessional Boy #26
Interpersonal Relations: The Rational, the Robotic, and the Responsible
Hello, everyone.
Last time I discussed my feelings around the body; in doing so, I touched upon a key, salient point which has been running through my thinking: the point of consistent progress and meritorious success. The ways in which I ideate are largely oblique even to myself, I wrote, but —given that I am relatively healthy, in fairly representative ways— the (external) functions of the body are simpler to measure, and seem to generalize more easily. The body’s context is essentially entirely internal, though its perception largely isn’t.
Like writing, I devote a lot of mental space —intentionally or not— to the links between my body and my brain. In both cases, it’s because I have a standard of quality I’d like to meet, that I’m generally not meeting. I suspect that there’s no upper bound as to how self-exacting I can be, but there’s also no point in stopping prematurely, before I’ve achieved the available low-hanging improvements. It’s not easy, and I’m not very good at it, but I do invest measures of effort into routines of exercise. It’s even less transparent, perhaps, but amongst other things, I read books, write, and think with intention. Those are concrete actions which I take to improve.
It’s difficult, then, for me to address with any internal consistency why I am not more well-liked, and liked by a broader variety of people. This fact doesn’t particularly trouble me. Instead, it seems to serve as a consequence of differing priorities. I don’t value popularity excessively, I don’t think, though I do value some of its side effects tremendously. However, both deep and mass appeal are relevant to my goals. If I’m not working on them directly, it hints at a repulsion towards working on the skills that would get me to that point.
A portion of this is unduly harsh, certainly, and fueled by confirmation bias; nevertheless, I critique because I care. There’s little point towards a pros-and-cons list or cost/benefit analysis if it doesn’t help you actually make decisions. This is a valuable area in which it is objectively correct to work harder. The next step, then, is to categorize and address the irrational ideas which are holding me back and address them.
I have done similar self-scrutiny, with mostly productive results, before: I have written a first draft of a novel, twenty-five newsletter episodes, assorted rhymes, etc. I have joined a number of sports teams, I have run at night when I didn’t have to, and I have woken up in the morning to lift weights. I have experimented with intermittent fasting, I have reduced my intake of unhealthy foods substantially, and I have trained myself to follow unnatural varieties of routine. None of that is damning, or conclusive, but they are useful data points to extrapolate from: the process, by and large, works, and I’ll use it until I figure out something better.
There are things I’m better and worse at naturally —it’s a process— but across the board, I want to develop expertise and positive qualities. This newsletter, at least nominally, is dedicated to my journey towards eventual polymathy. Various flavors of interpersonal interaction fit within that all-encompassing category— it could be argued that they’re the most important item within it.
The reason why I am hammering this point with such singleminded intensity that it splits the wood is because I feel that it is a small component part of a much larger, unusually important line item: it is substantially easier for me to do something if I can persuade myself that it is worth doing. This is why stories work. Better, though, if it’s rational. That’s a method with which I process what to devote my attention towards; it’s part of why I shitpost, try to find like-minded people, and try to be kind. I wouldn’t consider myself a rationalist, but explanation is important, because meaning is.
I write these posts for, amongst others, my past self, selfish as that is (it feels like this intention can corrupt overall quality and reception.) I do this because it’s a helpful way for me to think, and because it’s the audience that I’m most qualified to try to reach. I’m well-equipped to talk to my past self, which confers to me a sort of authority regarding similar people. I estimate that those posts are most likely, at my current skill level, to be legitimately useful. If I were offering advice to my past self, it would need to make sense, because this is what we’ve been up against:
Allow me to further define the specifications here, given that earlier I have been substantially general. I think it is probably a good idea for me to
Speak more smoothly, with more restraint, cultivating a relaxed register
Curtail the physical fidgets and irregularities which result in bad impression or distraction
Improve posture, stance, and fitness
Relieve tension in the brow and face, create a pleasant default expression
I had a conversation recently over the Internet in which I identified these levers as tools with which I was improving in proficiency; in the same conversation it was noted that there was substantial value in stripping away these tools, in creating spaces for pseudo- and anonymity: it lowers the stakes and reduces prejudgement. For better or for worse —for better, I tend to think— there exists an inextricable need for human connection, and this requires work.
I worry that I’m sounding like a robot here, as I sometimes do when I attempt to break these types of things down; that’s something to avoid.
Nevertheless there is truth to the fact that popularity, dating, etc., take trial and effort: refinement, cycles of iteration. I’m not the best at motivating myself to do them, and I’m not the best at making use of those cycles. I don’t learn as effectively as possible. This post isn’t a perfect solution, but it is a reminder to try.
In rephrasing a weighting of priorities, it occurs to me that the bulk of us have an inbuilt desire for acceptance, for connection: this drives us to practice. I wonder whether some feel it more than others, or whether some merely have no other wants which would eclipse this one, at least early on, and so are drawn into a hyperspecialization. An idle musing, perhaps, but it’s worth an examination: what does this change of frame necessitate? Does it cause any downstream effects? How would we reorganize ourselves, if these preference matrices were rendered explicit and available? I’m not sure, but the impact would be substantial.
We already bend society like a space-time fabric around obsession and the extreme imbalances within which some flourish and others thrive. I’ve been ruminating on this subject, and in my last few episodes, I have thought it useful to share links which touch on the subject tangentially. I’ll continue to do so below (things I’d recommend anyway, and some of which I’d post anyway, of course.)
Links
I often revisit this clever, thoughtful analysis of the second verse of Jay-Z’s 2004 track 99 Problems; in some places, the song is spot-on, and in others, it turns out, it’s dangerously misleading. (It’s all worth reading, but) skip to the end for key takeaways.
Another piece I come back to often is the article Project Runaway, profiling the creation of Kanye West’s 2010 album My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. It’s packed with fascinating tidbits, fun asides, and summarizes a viewpoint into just how the album came together.
More recently, West was featured in an insightful, expansive GQ profile, which leans heavily on his own words, extracted through a series of interviews; it’s a genuinely thought-provoking lens into the artist’s creative process and the the mindset from which his endeavours spring; here, you can hear him discuss decisions surrounding his ranch in Cody, Wyoming and the Yeezy Campuses he plans to build.
Reggie James, in a short newsletter issue (Kanye & Unfiltered Creation) parses the GQ profile, concluding “Kanye is a master of visible process.” (Working with the garage door open, perhaps, (though this connection is my addition.)) I find his takeaways at the end of the piece particularly noteworthy— concise and useful, even if they’re not new ideas.
Here’s another [paywalled] profile from the Wall Street Journal (it’s less good, but worth a read if you’re already interested,) for which I signed up to get a trial month (that I then cancelled) and of which I have uploaded a PDF for you; you’re welcome.
Lastly, (regarding West, anyway) is A Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, from Anirudh Pai’s Dreams of Electric Sheep, which I plugged last episode, but which I find relevant contrasted with this more recent coverage (and Marc Andreessen’s exhortation to build, about which I will write more in the near future.)
Lastly, (this time for real:) I haven’t employed it in this section, but a great source for reads, if you like that type of thing, is Albert Chu’s weekly roundup. I recommend it; there’s consistently been one thing I found worth reading, which (for me) is both uncommon and well worth the five minutes of skimming through the email.
It’s been a while; I’m glad to be in your inboxes again.